You have one real choice to make in life, Get Busy Living or Get busy Dying. I sit here with still teary eyes from blubbering like an idiot. I just finished watching SHAWSHANK REDEPTION. One of the greatest movies, and it just backs up my desire to just move away, to just leave my life, i mean i love what i have here, but i have this calling to simpleize. Build a cabin in the moutains, a hut on the beach, work on a swiss cattle farm, a house on stilts in idonessia. You may say that i am a dreamer, but i think i might accully do that. Well enjoy life, be nice to me because each time you see me, it could be the last, i think i might just get up and go. JOSH WAS HERE.

Well, Well, Well, Here i sit, a new man since i last wrote in this diary, as i sit back and re-read my last couple intries, i am just dumbfounded how my life has changed. Exacly one week after i wrote that last entry something happened to me, something that had never happend to me, something that hcanged me for ever. A girl liked me, a girl wanted me and i wanted her. Ever since life has been so amazing. Meghan is my inspriation. I like who i am when i am with her, and i like who i am now when i am not with her cuz i am thinking of her. I just am having a wicked good time in life right now, i am totally sorry i havn't had time to update, but you all know how life can travel at the speed of light and stuff. Soo cherrio to my chaps, i am back and hope to update daily if not at least weekly. Also look towards a new site of mine, a super site if you will a site that i can show my art work on, make updates and also rant about my jones soda. A "one stop rocking" site, well my friends ROCK ON, until our paths cross again
Trip Away, Make no stay
Meet me at the break of day

FRIEND?
Anyone looking for a friend? Anyone looking for someone to talk to? Anyone looking to listen to someone? For some reason i feel alone right now, i am in a box and the rest of the world watches my every move, yet i have no one to cry to. It seems like i am the left behind, the rest of the world is moving at this incredible rate and i just sit in the distance begging to be at their speed. It is like that one eppisodeof the old star trek, where the people are on the ship, but they move so fast that the crew can't see them, and to the "new" alienes, the crew moves so slow it seems like they are statues. that is my life, i am a statue. no one wants to slow down, and i can't seem to speed up. i dont' know what is going on, i am so happy right now, yet so sad. it is like when you go out side in the summer bare foot, and you touch the burning hot concrete, for that split second it feels cool to the touch, then a burning sensation hits your feet and you are in pain. or when you grab ice and it is soo cold it feels like it is burning. IT is amazing how analagies are everywhere, you can't hide from them. I want to meet new people, i want to make new friends, i want to meet people who can slow down and help me speed up. I want to fit in.

i don't know if you will read this, but i wanted to let you know i miss you. I miss our time together, our drives, our talks. i miss cuddling in my bed, and asking "what are you thinking?", i miss our silence, the kind of silence that makes you happy. i miss your smile, i miss the way you look when you sleep. I miss going to the parkade together and how you woudln't letme take anyone else up there. I miss coffee shops, Kazeebos in bush park and blanket drives to croisen mountain. I miss jones soda with you, and how the fortures always meant something to us, i miss how you would'nt let me watch you drink your soda. I miss they way you didn't like people who were mean to me, and wouldn't let me think it was ok people were mean to me. I miss hugs after football games, i miss late nights talking to you and your mom. i miss my bed, your bed, and kathryn's bed. i miss the smell of popcorn and baked potatoes. I miss los biez and how you never ate anything. i miss missing movies and it was ok. i miss hot tubs and warm truck hoods. i miss the sound of the rain mixing with the sound of your gentle sleeping breath, it conforted me.i miss sleep overs and truth or day. i miss your cruelty to animals when we feed them. i miss football pants and holding hands. i miss giving you hugs and letting you "shift" my stick shift in my truck like a little kid. I miss holding you when your sad, i miss walking you to your car and you to mine. I miss opening doors, and i wish we never closed the door on us. I miss you, what i am raelly trying to say when i say "i miss you" is something i don't know i ever said to you, i love you.

I gave blood today, be nice to me. Do you realize what that says and means? Today i decided that insted of worrying about my own body i was going to save 3 lives. Today i let someone pluck me and take the very essence of my being away, they took my blood, what else do i really have in life besides my blood and bones? And they took that from me. That is one of the most selfless act you can perform. IT isn't as much the pain issue, that it hurts so it must mean more, it is the symbol it gives the world, i will give up me, my body for a complete stranger, the odds of me knowning the person the blood goes to is slim to none, or even if i did they woudln't no it, you will not be thanked for you actions. As a society we do so many things just to get reactions from the world, that "thank you" is what many people do things for. You don't get it in this, besides the wanna be nurses who thank you alot. This is between you and you, no one is making you do it. IT just blows my mind to think i saved three peoples lives today. Really it was triumphant, it was in a way like climbing a mountain. i am not a big fan of needles, accually to be honest i am petrafied of them. not as much as other people i know (mike ketler) but i none the less do not like the idea of cold metal being shoved in my vains, kinda creeps me out to be honest. And hearing all the horror stories didnt' help much, "one time when i got an iv, they missed my vains and my hand practicly blew up", "oh the people in the white coats, they arn't doctors, they are volunteers, and more often than not ex-drug addicts, they know where the vains are the best." by the way both of those quotes are from my mother a nurse. It was strange being in the gym withall these beds and machines around, and these white coat clad people moving around on chairs. But even though it may not have been the best feeling thing in the world I left there feeling like I made a difference and that is an incredible feeling.

Magnolia, magnolia, magnolia, if anyone ever needs a supper quick depression pill just watch magnolia, i have seen it so many times before, but tonight i just felt like watching it, and i did, i had to shut it off i was getting too depressed. MY GOD IS THAT DEPRESSING! i think i am going to have my self a cry and go to bed!

I turned in my pads today, handed a short balding man my shoulder pads and my striped helmet full of mud and dirt stains. My reds and whites, my game uniforms i gave to him, never to be worn by me in battle ever again. Sometimes there are somethings in your life, that you just do. you breathe, you wake up, i play football. And you just assume they will always be there for you. i feeling i may never suit up for a game again is tearing me apart inside. There is a young fellow in one of my classes who as taken a liking to me. "josh, you know, i belive you have a better chance to get in the NFL than vanlue, freingno, and lucas all put together." he bugs the hell out of me, but for some strange reason he seems me as a football god. "how many colleges are looking at you to come and play for you with a full ride." im sorry jeff none, to be honest i am not very good, it made me happy in high school, but for most of the world that is all it will ever be. It crushes me to have to tell this boy that i am never going to play football again.
What crushes me even more is the fact that it wasn't supposed to be this way. State champion was supposed to be my destany, i was going to get a football gf (like that was ever going to happen) a letterman's jacket for her to wear and i was going to be afucking champion. I was going to be the best at something, the world was going to look at me and say, he is the best. my dreams of football gf's are over, now i just hope to some day get a gf.
As i cleared out my locker of my cherrised items that remind me of the last two years i had spent in that locker, geering up for the greatest days of my life, i realized how much high school football has ment for me. I lift wts for football, i run to get faster for football, i almost feel like i have no goals anymore. There were so many goals i never completed in football so many things i would have done differently, well i guess that is life.
now that i think about it, my time may have run out in high school ball, but i am just half way through the first quarter of that big football game of life, i dont' plan on turning those pads in for a while.